I’m Your Hyperventilating Seatmate in 23B Googling Facts About Turbulence

Grant me serenity to accept the shortage of air traffic controllers I cannot control

Let me be clear: I am not afraid of flying.

That would be laughable, irrational, statistically absurd — ridiculous!

I just have a funny feeling the left wing will fall off.

Again: I am not afraid of traveling.

My anxieties are merely artisanal. My phobias, bespoke.

Sure, sometimes, when we’re skimming over the Atlantic, I worry I’ll phase through the floor and do a 34,000-foot polar plunge.

But I am not afraid of crashing.

I’m sure everything is up to snuff, code compliant, clear for takeoff.

I’m also hesitant to recline my seat, in case it tips the plane nose-up.

And while I am not afraid of turbulence, terrorists, or mechanical failures.

It’s only because there is so much more to fear — like flushing the lavatory’s vacuum toilet and getting sucked out into open sky.

Let me be clear: this is not a cry for help.

It’s a pre-flight service announcement.

Thank you for flying during a partial government shutdown.

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