FAQ: My Half-Birthday

The second most important day celebrating ME

Considering all the snotty responses I received—and one ripped up invitation, returned to sender—I thought I’d clarify a few details on my upcoming half-birthday party. If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’re still invited. For now.

Is this really necessary? Who do you think you are? Aren’t you embarrassed?

Slow down, Sandra. I’m only embarrassed that I have such flaky friends. Can’t you at least pretend to care for one-and-a-half measly days per year? I don’t hear you whining about Father’s Day—or treating President’s Day like a Supreme Court case. But here I am, your bestie since kindergarten, asking for a special day of appreciation, just for me.

Isn’t that what your real birthday is for?

If you’d ever attended my “real” birthday, you’d know that turnout has been historically low since 2001. But is it because that’s when I aged out of bounce house parties, or because my birthday happens to fall on September 11^th?

In some ways, I share my birthday with Christmas babies, infants born at midnight on New Year’s, and luckless leap year kiddos crowning on February 29. Together, we’re petitioning to expand our annually allotted soirées by one.

Sure… but your math looks kinda funny. Is your half-birthday honestly on St. Patrick’s Day weekend?

Oh, now you’re a mathematologist? You and I both know you failed 8^th grade algebra, Cillian. But I’ve grown. Moved on from cheating off dyslexic Irish boys to copying entire cultural traditions. Your heritage is my hootenanny.

Are you positive half-birthdays are a thing? Have you ever been to one?

Only once when I was nine, when Jasmine Lee picked a random day in the middle of summer to throw herself a princess party. I was inspired, intrigued, impressed. Isn’t every birthday just as arbitrary? A coincidental event you coerce your friends and family to care about?

However, I assume the reason I haven’t attended many half-birthdays (or birthdays in general) is simple: I am rarely invited.

Aren’t you too old for a half-birthday party?

Nonsense. Now that I’m [redacted], it’s the perfect time to celebrate.

Besides, the real benefit of a half-birthday is that you’re only half as old. That’s how it works, right? I’m not turning [redacted], but a spritely twentysomething.

Are you a baby? Or in a codependent relationship? Because those are the only times you celebrate a six-month anniversary.

No. And I wish.

You’re lucky I’m not instituting seasonal quarter-birthdays. Q1 brunch, Q2 petting zoo, Q3 blowout, Q4 brunch (again).

Me throwing a half-birthday party is every bit as legitimate as a husband at a baby shower, a deadbeat dad on Mother’s Day, or an atheist attending Easter mass.

Is your social circle exclusively nine-year-olds?

Maybe. But I don’t appreciate you disparaging Ms. Pearl’s fourth-grade class like that.

For your information, I have a ton of friends who’ve graduated elementary and middle school, and they’re thrilled to support me in any celebration I demand. A few years ago, I even did a double half-birthday with my friend, Lucy—though we put a stop to it once people referred to our conjoined parties as a “full” birthday.

Can I bring a plus one?

Of course, Carla. All better halves are welcome at my half-birthday. Especially if they’re your boyfriend, Ricky, and he’s half-naked.

Keeping with the theme, we’ll likely eat half a cake, chug half a keg, then go halvsies on cab fare. The good news is that my party is also half as long, so we should be out by seven and in bed before nine.

Am I expected to get you a gift?

Your presence is the only present I require.

Kidding!

I accept donations to help pay my rent, my utility bills, and my medication (which is marijuana, but I have a prescription for it).

How about half a present now, and half on your actual birthday?

If you’re gifting stacks of cash, a new wardrobe, or the entirety of the Criterion Collection, then sure, fine, I guess.

But don’t you dare pull that “I’ll give you the other earring in six months” bullshit on me.

I’m not coming to your half-birthday party.

Well, that’s rude, petty, and not really a question, Sandra—so you’re uninvited.

Luckily, my full-birthday party will be here before you know it.

See you on September 11.

At 9:11 pm.

Jerk.

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